Soccer's Version of Glenn Beck

Oye.  This is really a message board rant, but I'm worked up.  Bear with me.

I'm a big soccer fan.  And, as it happens, a BigSoccer fan.

BigSoccer is a gigantic soccer-devoted message board.  It draws fans of the beautiful game from all walks of life and all corners of the globe.  I've been there so long that I've achieved moderator status in a couple sections of it.  It's the first website I check every time I hit the net. 

And as anyone who's ever even been on the Internet can tell you, no matter what topic is being discussed, there's a lunatic fringe who believes something completely outrageous and completely nuts.  The go-to topic for these ShortBus regulars is promotion and relegation for American soccer.

And their insane leader is a schmuck named Ted Westervelt.


First, a quick lesson on just what promotion and relegation (shorthand: pro/rel) actually is.  Basically, it's a way of organizing a pyramid of soccer teams when there are too many clubs to fit into a single division.  The way it's implemented depends on the country and the league, but the long and the short of it is this:  Every year, the worst teams in the top divisions get relegated to the division below, and the best performing teams from each division get promoted up the ladder to the next highest level.  To put it in American terms, imagine the San Diego Padres finishing dead last and getting forced to play the next season in AAA, while the team that won the AAA championship plays in Major League Baseball next year.

Now, in other countries, that works.  Because they have so many independent clubs that they can't all fit in one league.  So they need a mechanism like this to organize them.  (Although it can be argued that they DON'T need it -- they could just pick a top 20 and go from there, but I digress -- this really isn't about what they do in Germany or England.)

Major League Soccer was founded in 1996, and they don't have any such need.  They have 20 teams now, and the minor leagues bringing up the rear aren't anywhere near the level of being full-on professional major league teams or markets.  Relegating a team from MLS to the NASL would potentially result in a team capable of drawing crowds over 20,000 to  minor league status, which would be absolutely devastating for a team in a sport that's fifth or sixth on the American food chain.  And promoting a team that plays in a stadium that might only hold 8,000 to the top flight on short notice would be, well -- insane.  They wouldn't be able to hang, in terms of infrastructure, player budget or travel costs (people love to use England's Premier League as the big example, forgetting that England is geographically the same size as the state of Louisiana).

But if you're not a big soccer fan, understand one basic truth:  American soccer fans have a HUGE INFERIORITY COMPLEX when it comes to the sport.  Because we haven't been doing it anywhere near as long as the big-boy soccer nations, there is a large contingent that thinks we need to run everything exactly the same way the rest of the world does it.  That includes the way we decide our champion, what time of year we play, and yes -- pro/rel.

As such, promotion and relegation becomes a big message board time-waster  topic.  It largely goes in a circle, as the ShortBus riders weave fantasy tales about how great it would be if MLS ditches Seattle, New York and Los Angeles for Tulsa, Spokane and Boise, and the grown-ups repeat until we're blue in the face all the reasons why practically it can't work.  Eventually, those conversations become the message board equivalent of a stage act where a "magician" holds his breath underwater for a week.  It's not interesting, it's not entertaining, and there's nothing to see, but I can't look away.  Because I've invested so much time in it, that I want the satisfaction of seeing the dumb son of a bitch croak.

Enter Tinfoil Teddy.  Anyone who's ever argued this topic for more than five minutes knows this guy's name.  He's the biggest zealot/crusader/dreamer/martyr/obsessive/nut job for the idea that American soccer is doomed to fail unless promotion and relegation is instituted yesterday.  He's also the kind of guy the ShortBus was designed for.

He's twisted so many facts, disregarded so many others, made unprovable leaps and invented so much bullshit that he's like Glenn Beck -- only complete losers with way too much time on their hands and no sense of reality take him seriously, but the rest of us can't get him to shut the fuck up.  He's actually sent tweets to -- I shit you not -- Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders, trying to convince them that forcing this crap on American Soccer should be a major priority.  And now, with a FIFA presidential election ahead, he posts this:

https://twitter.com/soccerreform/status/692428051523592192

Holy shit.

Major League Soccer has taken the game to levels of popularity and skill that no other American soccer league ever has achieved.  And these freaks want to break up what they've done because they're under some delusion that there are 9,000 clubs somewhere that are capable of competing with the Columbus Crew and the Los Angeles Galaxy?  Because they think Seattle and Portland won't be missed, but we can't wait to see the teams from Frog Balls, Arkansas and Yak Dick, Maine?

There isn't enough alcohol in my apartment to get me to see what these wackos are seeing.

And by alcohol, I mean heroin.

And by "my apartment", I mean the Midwest.

And by "see what they're seeing," I mean "not laughing my balls off."

Guys:  Shut the fuck up.  The other U.S. sports leagues are the most successful sports leagues on the planet, and none of them use this system.  Promotion and relegation doesn't make soccer successful; promotion and relegation works BECAUSE soccer is successful.  Allow for the possibility that the people who invested billions of dollars in the league and the people who make their living at it know something you don't.

Since MLS was founded, the U.S. has qualified for all five World Cups.  Prior to MLS, they qualified once in 40 years.  Since MLS was founded, the U.S. has won the region's major international tournament, the CONCACAF Gold Cup, four times.  Prior to MLS, only once in the prior twelve.  Since MLS was founded, the U.S. has largely turned the tide in its rivalry against Mexico.  MLS has outlasted any other prior U.S. soccer league, is setting attendance records on a regular basis, and has games on national TV every week.  The idea that MLS is holding back soccer is just stupid on its face.  Yet Westervelt and his minions live in a bubble that fact can't penetrate, so they keep reciting the benefits of pro/rel as though they're all that matters.

Which is fine, I guess.  You're entitled to your opinion, no matter how stupid.  But when you fire off e-mails to a potential president of FIFA and claim that you're speaking for a majority of us when you're not, your delusion crosses a bit of a line.  So please, indulge me for a moment:

Dear Asshole:

The people who are speaking out are nowhere near a "majority," there are NOT 9,000 clubs being held back by MLS, "breaking up" MLS isn't going to make the lower leagues and the people who own them richer, and you need to stop acting like you speak for all of us.

Sincerely,
Someone Who Doesn't Have His Head Up His Ass

P.S.:  If you really want to promote something, reach down my pants and promote Deez Nuts.